Today before leaving work I was asked for my advice by a friend who is having trouble with her teenage daughter. I thought about the conversation on the drive home and decided to make this blog.
When a young person becomes a mother too soon, it becomes a complicated process to raise a child when you yourself are one. So many times I’ve seen young parents make the mistake of thinking they are raising their best friend instead of his or her child. Let me back up a little bit … when I say young parents, I’m referring to people who become parents at the ages of 14-18. These are young people who have not yet finished growing themselves. Although I’m not an expert, based on my knowledge of the communities and demographics, I would say that 40% of the poverty levels here in the South Florida area are based on young adults between the ages of 16-24 who are attempting to raise children in an atmosphere of desolation. Imagine being 14 and having a child. Now imagine when that child turns 14, you’re only 28 years old. You’ve spent half of your life trying to raise a child with no parenting skills and without the maturity level needed to know if the actions you take towards your child is appropriate. This brings me to the title of my blog … When to be a parent and when to be a friend. Every parent knows that you must have both in order to have a great relation with your child(ren). But there are levels to the friendship that requires constant monitoring.
I was attending a parenting enrichment workshop a few months back and what I learned was that there are four important levels of parenting styles: authoritarian parenting, authoritative parenting, permissive parenting and uninvolved parenting. Authoritarian parenting is when parents lay down the law with the expectation that the child(ren) follow it to the “T” or suffer the repercussions. There is no room for discussion … my way or the high way type of parenting. The authoritative parent, you may think is the same as the authoritarian and you would be right to a certain extent. The difference between the authoritarian and the authoritative parent is that the authoritative parent will explain the reason behind the rule, still enforce it, but give the child(ren) an opportunity to state their side of the matter. There is room for discussion here.
Permissive parenting are those parents who indulge their children no matter the behavior. The child(ren) basically rule the household and it is the child(ren)’s way or no way. No matter what they do, good or bad, they are rewarded and thus set a level of expectation from the parent to constantly give .. give .. give. Last but not least, we have the uninvolved parenting style. These are the detached parents who have little involvement and even less communication with their child(ren). The repercussions of this parenting style? Neglect .. neglect .. and more neglect.
When it comes to teenage parents who are raising a child or the parent who had the child when they were a teenager, I find them to be the more permissive parent for at least a decade. You know … the time frame before the child actually starts giving them those “teenage” problems. Then the parent attempts to turn the permissive parenting style into the authoritarian style which causes a negative reaction from the child. Now you have a child that is confused because mommy allowed them to do whatever they wanted because they were trying to be the child’s friend instead of the parent. Then when things start getting out of hand, they want to stop being a friend and start being a parent. It would be detrimental at this point to try to switch these two styles immediately based on the situation.
With all that being said, this is the advice I gave my friend:
- In regards to her teenager being on Facebook 2 AM in the morning and disabling her access: Sit down with her and discuss with her the things that was read/seen, why it is not a good idea for a 13-year-old to be on Facebook or video chat 2 o’clock in the morning, discuss with her the things that need to be done before she can receive her Facebook account back.
(One thing I want to add here is that if you do not trust your child, there may be underlying issues that need to be addressed along side of this. Open communication is important and if you do not have that type of relationship with your child then you better start building it because the older they get the less information they are willing to provide.)
- In regards to the teenager lying about little things: Apparently the mother has set boundaries (i.e. this is mine, do not touch it without asking me first). This is fine and boundaries should be set to a certain extent. While they were at the movies, the teenager went back to the car to retrieve her sweater and came back with the sweater and chewing on a piece of gum. The mother asked if the gum came out the car. The teenager replied it was a piece of gum she (the teenager) had been holding on to for a while in her purse. When they got back to the car after the movie, the mother saw that she was missing the gum from her gum pack and asked her daughter why did she lie about the gum. No idea. But the mother has concerns because the child continues to lie about little things. So, I explained to the mother that if she continues to lie about the little things it is going to be hard to trust her daughter when it comes to big things. She chastised her extremely and the situation hasn’t changed. I told her to take a different approach. Stop condemning her for every little thing. If every day she’s in trouble for something, eventually she’s going to stop coming home. She’s run away before and there has to be a middle ground somewhere in this mother/daughter relationship. Turn those little lies into life lessons … sit down as mother and daughter and talk to her about the incident in a manner that doesn’t make her feel like she’s being chastised but more in the style of the authoritarian. This is the rule and this is why you feel the rule is important. Get the teenager’s feedback on it as well and make her part of the discussion so she doesn’t feel it is a one way convo.
(I also want to add here the fact that giving teenagers the opportunity to provide feedback is giving them a way to express themselves, in a respectable manner of course. No way shape or form should any parent allow their children to be disrespectful. I do not care how much of a point they are trying to make. Let them state their feelings but never lose control of the conversation.)
No way am I an expert on parenting. I am just a divorced mother of five children. Three sons who are 22, 12 and 10 and two daughters who are 20 and 19. At the age of 40 I’m still learning .. still growing with my children. I am the authoritative parent and that was a huge step especially when I can recollect that I use to be authoritarian.
Yes .. believe it or not .. Dade has flaws! LOL … Thanks for reading.
~Dade~
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