Torn

There comes a time in all of our lives where the decisions we make can either make us or break us.  It is hard to live a life where you are unhappy and you wonder to yourself if you do it just for the sake of someone else being happy or if you are happy and just don’t know it yet.  Sounds like quite a dilemma huh?  This is the crossroad in which I have reached.  You know the point where conversation becomes emotionless and your emotions become motionless?  It is like striving to be happy but never reaching that point of where it used to be.  Now I know what crackheads mean when they say they destroy their own lives always trying to seek that initial high that will never come. 

I sit here and ponder the aspects of my life and wonder where did that initial happiness go.  The happiness where you can’t go to sleep not one single night without making love with the one you love.  The happiness that makes you hurry home because you’ve missed them so much.  The happiness that draws you to smile just looking in their eyes because the love you have is so overwhelming.  *Checks my pockets then checks my mind* … I have no idea what happened.  Well actually … let me rephrase I do know what happened.  I tried for so long to overlook those things that irked me because I was so in love that I could let these things slide.  But as reality has set in more and more each day, those “irking” moments have decided to compile themselves in a corner of my mind and now they’re overflowing from that space and coming more and more into reality.  I’ve come to not like reality .. it’s no fun LOL.  But it is where we live and must always reside otherwise we lose sight, or should I say touch, with the here and now.  Such a pity.  Guess it is time to give myself a reality check.

So you may be wondering why I haven’t approached the situation with the advice I’ve been giving so many people for so long .. through communication.  It’s easy to give advice to other people.  It is hard to take your own.  But in all honesty, I’ve tried.  I’ve sat down and attempted to talk about the things that make me unhappy.  We talk .. it goes through one ear … out the other.  What is a poor woman to do?  I mean, I firmly believe in drastic measures but why should it be that way.  I know this person loves me and I love them too.  It is the “in love” part that is the problem.  Have I let things build up so much that my “in love” button has deteriorated?  This definitely has me torn.  But I’m a champ so I’m sure I’ll figure it out … hopefully sooner than later.

Thanks for reading,

♥ Dade ♥